Don't Shit Yourself (“DSY,” “we,” “us,” or “our”) provides a daily SMS subscription service that sends you aggressively satirical morning greetings and roasts. You sign up. We roast you. That's the deal.
By subscribing to or using the DSY service (“the Service”), you agree to be bound by these Terms & Conditions (“Terms”). If you do not agree, do not subscribe. Go drink your Respect Women Juice elsewhere.
⚠ READ THIS. These Terms contain a binding arbitration agreement and class-action waiver. If you have a problem, you talk to us — not a jury of your peers. Yes, even if our roast was “too mean.”
You must be 18 years of age or older to use the Service. By subscribing, you represent and warrant that:
If you are under 18, go away. Come back when your frontal lobe is done cooking.
When you subscribe, you authorize DSY to charge your payment method on a recurring basis for the subscription term you select (monthly or yearly). Subscriptions automatically renew at the end of each billing period unless you cancel before the renewal date.
You can cancel at any time by logging into your account settings or by contacting our support team at support@dontshityourself.com. Cancellation takes effect at the end of your current billing period — no partial refunds, no prorations, no crying about it.
🔔 Pro tip: Mark your calendar. We won't remind you. Your subscription is your responsibility — like your credit score and your emotional regulation.
All payments are processed securely through Stripe. We do not store your full payment credentials. What we store is a Stripe customer ID, a metric ton of roast material, and possibly your emotional damage score.
Pricing. The current subscription price is displayed at signup. We reserve the right to change pricing for future billing periods with 30 days' notice. If you don't like the new price, cancel. We'll get over it.
🚫 NO REFUNDS FOR HURT FEELINGS. You read that right. If you subscribe and then decide our roasts are “too personal,” or that your mother's group text was “deeply offensive,” or that you “didn't realize it would be this mean” — you don't get your money back. The Service is satirical by nature. You paid for a verbal beatdown. Accept it with grace or don't sign up.
We may issue refunds at our sole discretion in cases of actual Service malfunction (e.g., you didn't receive your SMS). Being bad at receiving jokes is not a malfunction. It's a you problem.
Don't be an asshole. Specifically, you agree not to:
Violation of these rules may result in immediate termination of your account without refund. Yes, that means you paid for nothing. Should have thought about that before you decided to weaponize a joke service.
All content delivered through the Service — including but not limited to SMS messages, roasts, taglines, branding, and the phrase “Don't Shit Yourself” — is the intellectual property of DSY or its licensors. You may not reproduce, distribute, modify, or publicly perform our roasts without our written permission.
We own the roasts. Even the one about your questionable life choices. Even the one that made your therapist chuckle. They are ours. You get a license to receive them privately. That's it.
If you screenshot a roast and post it on social media, we reserve the right to clap back at you publicly. You have been warned.
The Service is a joke. It is provided “as is” and “as available” without warranties of any kind, either express or implied.
To the maximum extent permitted by law, DSY, its founders, operators, investors, and the barista who fuels our developers shall not be liable for any direct, indirect, incidental, special, consequential, or exemplary damages — including but not limited to emotional distress, hurt feelings, crying at your desk, relationship issues caused by a partner reading your roast over your shoulder, or reputational harm — arising from your use of the Service.
In other words: if a 30-character SMS ruins your day, that's on you, bro. Toughen up or unsubscribe.
⚖️ Seriously though: Some jurisdictions do not allow the exclusion of certain warranties or the limitation of liability for certain damages. If you live in one of those places, this section applies to you only to the fullest extent permitted — but we will still roast you without mercy.
We reserve the right to terminate or suspend your access to the Service at any time, without prior notice or liability, for any reason — including, but not limited to, a breach of these Terms.
We can also fire you as a customer. If we decide you're more trouble than you're worth (e.g., you keep complaining, you found a way to abuse the system, or you just have bad vibes), we can show you the door. No refund for the remainder of your billing period. You don't get to keep paying us and treating us like your emotional punching bag — that's our job.
Upon termination, your right to use the Service ceases immediately. We may delete your data. We may roast you one last time. Consider it a parting gift.
These Terms shall be governed by and construed in accordance with the laws of the State of Delaware, without regard to its conflict-of-law provisions. We chose Delaware because we like the cut of their chancery court's jib.
Arbitration. Any dispute arising out of or relating to these Terms or the Service shall be resolved by binding arbitration in accordance with the rules of the American Arbitration Association. The arbitration shall take place in Wilmington, Delaware. Each party shall bear its own costs, except that the arbitrator may award costs and fees to the prevailing party.
No class actions. You agree to resolve disputes with DSY on an individual basis. You waive any right to participate in a class-action lawsuit or class-wide arbitration. If you want to sue us, you do it alone — like your New Year's resolutions and your dating life.
Entire Agreement. These Terms constitute the entire agreement between you and DSY regarding the Service and supersede all prior agreements, whether written or oral (including that one time you tried to negotiate a softer roast via email).
Waiver. Our failure to enforce any right or provision of these Terms shall not be deemed a waiver of such right or provision. We're just busy roasting people. Don't get cute.
Severability. If any provision of these Terms is held to be invalid or unenforceable, the remaining provisions shall remain in full force and effect. We'll just delete that one subsection and keep roasting.
Contact. Questions? Concerns? Want to tell us we're too mean? Please direct all correspondence to support@dontshityourself.com. We reserve the right to publish your email (anonymized, obviously) as a roast testimonial.